Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”