On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
this came to me in a vision
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.