On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries