stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.