Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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Don’t model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
<- sleeps well with others
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!
Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around
Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ??? ???????