I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”
Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.
Apparently not far enough.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.