@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

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@ThatBrenna

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@kylamb16

“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.

@squirrel74wkgn

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

@RowdyBowden

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

@silvertongue37

My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.

Apparently not far enough.

@mmyattmyatt

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

@psybermonkey

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

@girlnarly

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.