*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”