*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
the rocks need my help
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it