[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
No. He’s not coming out to play
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Practicing safe sax
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!