*cough*
You Might Also Like
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.