[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.