Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.
It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!
*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: I work from home.
You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!
Me: I also live at work.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*