[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.