@JediGigi

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

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@yoyoha

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

@CourtneyBale

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

@mattingebretson

Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”

@spcycucumber

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

@bazecraze

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

@SamGrittner

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

@awordforaword

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.