[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

You Might Also Like


I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.

It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.


Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy


When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.


“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.


Me: *insecure”

Everyone: Don’t be insecure. People hate that

Me: *insecure about being insecure*


I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.


*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*