@JediGigi

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

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@AristotlesNZ

I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.

It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@LittleMissAngr1

If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.

@Jmboyd58

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy

@jackmackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@Steadi_Lady

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

@brittwastaken

Me: *insecure”

Everyone: Don’t be insecure. People hate that

Me: *insecure about being insecure*

@AnnietheNanny1

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

@fillthevacuum

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*