I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.
It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.
Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy
Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission
Jesus: Don’t test my mercy
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Everyone: Don’t be insecure. People hate that
Me: *insecure about being insecure*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*