STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”
John Wick sounds like a mens toilet candle
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.