@MDthrice

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

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@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.

@One2thTEXAN

When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.

@moose_chocolate

I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.

@kremlinchrist

If you think my tweets are bad, you should hear me singing in the car.

@WritePlay

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

@girlontapas

Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

@DaddyJew

Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.