When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I want to be the guy in a rap song that justs says YEA
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?