Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.
Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.
Boss: Just get out.
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.
If you think my tweets are bad, you should hear me singing in the car.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.
Dentist: do you floss?
Me: do we have to do this?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.