Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling “why you ain’t got no babies?”I bet my father in law paid her
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what