[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
🤣🤣
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no