[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.