@JohnLyonTweets

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

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@umer_0000

Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop

@slyoung5

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

@seanmoriartyMV

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

@Marlebean

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

@salamingia

A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

@zachreinert03

I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy

@scorpicpanda

Contrary to popular belief, people will still try to talk to you if you are wearing reindeer antlers.

@TheNYAMProject

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.