[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”


Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.


Since the invention of the smart phone, how many times have you clicked a desktop icon once and waited for a response.

Ok, just me?



The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house


Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”


amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one


magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]


HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.


I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*


I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience