[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
seems like a niche market
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!