@BlondAmbitionTO

On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

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@KKAlThani

Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.

@Social_Mime

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@sween

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

@tesselatrix

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.