If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day