Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.
On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
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My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…