*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
You Might Also Like
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
@funTweeters
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
it was love at first sight
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.