[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”

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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa


If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.


wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these


Dentist: have you been flossing?

[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]

Me: yes


imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy


I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.


I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.


[At neighbor’s barbecue]

Neighbor: How would you like your steak?

Me: At my house with no any company.