Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Dentist: have you been flossing?
[ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ]
imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
[At neighbor’s barbecue]
Neighbor: How would you like your steak?
Me: At my house with no any company.