[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.