I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”
You Might Also Like
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
THINGS CHICKS DIG:
2. Puppy dogs
3. I can’t think of anything else, I’m very bad with women.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
finally found a reasonable question
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
“This is not working out.”
-My trainer, watching me work out
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.