[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”

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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.


I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.



1. Popcorn
2. Puppy dogs
3. I can’t think of anything else, I’m very bad with women.


*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*


The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.


Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all


Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something


“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out


I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.