@sfreeze6

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

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@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

@JenAshleyWright

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

@WheelTod

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

@WarrenHolstein

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@Brampersandon_

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@HomeWithPeanut

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

@just_kdot

my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody

@iNusku

I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.