bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]
Loan me a couple bucks?
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
Can I even pay with these?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody
I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.