[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
How it started How it’s going
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?