AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
CUTE CAT‼︎