@david8hughes

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

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@flashember

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

@TheBoydP

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

@fro_vo

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

@_steamy_mac

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@fuckfrrankk

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

@KattsDogma

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

@AndrewChamings

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

@LisAHHHHHHHH

please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff