*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan


If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.


Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”


At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next


“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name


Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils


please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff