*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Yes, this is exactly right
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
mom had nothing to worry about
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance