[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Day 2 of my diet
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
my favorite genre of twitter
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.