on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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This is a bad sign
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.