Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
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Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
You’ll be OK
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.