Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably