[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead


HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.


My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.

So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines


Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????


“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”


Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!


That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”


If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.