@FrazzleMyGimp

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

@scot7a

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

@Alex_Houseof308

My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.

So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines

@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@spacewizard_t

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@DarzieDAMN

That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”

@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.