*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers