At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
“Oh, this is just great”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Sweet. Free refrigerators!