@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

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@Sickayduh

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.

@mdob11

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

@MikeCanRant

*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

@bees_wingz

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

@aimeevc1970

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

@MrsGoose69

Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”

@notstevenwhite

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before