Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
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[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7