@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

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@AudreyPorne

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

@noog

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@LeBearGirdle

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

@MorticiaKate

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

@Steven37366100

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@momsense_ensues

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.