[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
somebody come look at this
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler