[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:



Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.


My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.


ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.


serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.


You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.


“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza


[first day as a dirty cop]

Partner: did you plant the drugs?

Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.


Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too