@GregHenchman
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
@squirrel74wkgn
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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@GregHenchman
@NintenDom
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
@SigneSaysSo
My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
@TheAndrewNadeau
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
@bourgeoisalien
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
@Just__J0
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
@Fingers_of_Fury
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
@TheBoydP
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
@NewDadNotes
[first day as a dirty cop]
Partner: did you plant the drugs?
Me: yep, we gotta come back and water them every day though.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too