@Divergentmama: Me: [unsure about my hair] Hairdresser: So, what do you think? Me: OMG it's perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!

@ToxicProbably: Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone's food and suddenly they don't want you to cook for them anymore

@amishschool: Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@EndhooS: Me: [sat in car] Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier] Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

@SortaBad: *hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work* "Excuse me, are you okay? Because you're kinda stealing my thing"