[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?


Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.


The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.


I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.


Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.


ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww


Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia


‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.


5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp