@ShortSleeveSuit
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
@squirrel74wkgn
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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@ShortSleeveSuit
@JCWisdomNuggets
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
@BackrowSeats
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
@shkeeber
I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
@realfunghi
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
@Cpin42
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
@Scott_A_Gilmore
‘Kyrgyzstan’ is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.
@MUMSIEesq
5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
5: huh
G: what
ME: she didn’t go to camp
@ThatBrenna
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not.