[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
You Might Also Like
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
choose your fighter
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.