[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
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Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire