On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.