I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.