A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,