On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Lmao 🤣
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am