Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org