[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.