On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Employees must applaud the planets.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Holy moly