On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.