On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.