*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’m not wrong
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project