[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
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The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
what does he know…
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus