[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”