@MarfSalvador

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

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@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

@girlnarly

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

@MindyFurano

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

@OMGSoOverIt

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time and he never lets you forget it.

@iamburtjarvis

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

@golubeerji

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

@ajax06

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”