[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house