If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*On my Deathbed*
Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*
Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!
Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..
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Me: [travelling in space]
[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I’m gonna start Roman life on campus instead of Greek life and what you get to do is raid sororities and frats parties and take their stuff
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.