@ComedicBust

*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..

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@bonehugsnirony

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@Jerrypleasure

Me: [travelling in space]

[Text from Karen]: Can you bring some star fish

@neiltyson

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

@SarahKernig

I’m gonna start Roman life on campus instead of Greek life and what you get to do is raid sororities and frats parties and take their stuff

@Bizarro_Mark

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

@eslpaul

I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

@creamygoodness_

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@TheCatWhisprer

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.