I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
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My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?