[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
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If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW