@Book_Krazy

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

You Might Also Like

@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@nbadag

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

@Cycloptomese

Traffic is fucked this morning. There’s a stalled cat on the southbound side of the hallway and a nine lego pile up just outside the bathroom door.

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

@ArfMeasures

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

@Jay_FrickinLynn

*slams hands on table*

HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?

@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

@OrangeFact

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.