@JohnLyonTweets

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

@NoogsCorner

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@briangaar

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@MattMcC1

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@ArrogantBB8

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

@clichedout

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda