On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”