On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.